It's Complicated

How am I supposed to feel when people say no and my heart can't choose between right and wrong,
when I feel like you're pulling me back in but I'm so unsure if you even feel the same?
When I just want to reach out and touch you like you used to touch me, soft and simple, perfection
although nothing was perfection; the lies were perfection and I guess I can't get past the fact that it was all a joke.
I look at it as if it was real and I never look at it like it was an act,
because it's so hard to believe that you're living a lie...
kind of like that guy on the Truman show,
I can't remember his reaction, but when he realized everything was a set, everything was scripted, he must have felt pretty betrayed.
I don't want you.
I want to push you away and run from you and scream at you,
I want to pull you close and kiss you like nothing changed,
I want to yell at you until you become someone i want you to be,
I want you here,
I want you disappear,
I want you everywhere and nowhere and beside me and across the world and in my heart and out of my head and on my mind and not anywhere at all.
I want to forget you.
I want to relive you.
I like you.
I hate you.
Please, choose for god's sake.
You've got me strung on a wire, just like I'm your marionette,
Cut me free, please.
I've wished on stars, my 11:11's, even my birthday candles,
wasted, so wasted.
To think of things I could've wished for, they'll never happen now.
I hate you so much. I don't want to see you online and I don't want you near me I don't want you to talk to me and I don't even want you around the places where I am.
Don't breathe the same air as me, I loathe you, I despise you.
But all it take is one look at me,
and I change.
I want you here, holding my hand with your arm around me, eyes locked with mine.
The way it was, so long ago.
dumb. dumb dumb dumb dumb.
They judge me. They should.
dumb.
Let go, I whisper.
I want to, I think.
Please.
Give me everything I've ever wanted,
and nothing at all.