black hole

Today, I told myself I wanted to jump off a bridge.

Today, I was just kidding.

Two weeks ago, I cried every night, clutching my stomach, thinking of a non-existent or destroyed future.

Two weeks ago, I wasn't kidding.

Two weeks ago, I didn't know what to do.

Now, I'd never let go of life so easily.

Now, I cherish every smile I give, every breath I breathe and every single step I take.

Facing death makes you appreciate life.

So stop complaining about how your boyfriend broke up with you, because yes, he's a jerk.

And stop complaining about how you didn't get the part you wanted, because there'll be other plays.

And stop complaining about not having enough money for gas, because you have legs.

And stop complaining about how you look, because at least you have a body.

And stop complaining about how tired you are because at least you can sleep and wake up.

And stop god damned complaining about meaningless stuff that pushes people like me to want to cry out "They thought I had cancer" STOP!

I'm so sorry.

Life has been crazy lately.

I just don't feel myself.

Hide

I don't have enough money courage to chase my dreams buy a cheap car.

I don't have good enough marks looks to make myself worth something.

But I am not going to reveal who I am yet me and it's staying that way.

Evol

I want the love that everyone talks about,

how nobody but me ever feels alone,

Our hearts are heavy burdens we shouldn't have to bear alone.

Goodnight moon, and goodnight you, when you're all that I dream about.

It's Gone

I touched it.

The stage, the lights, the rush.

In my dream.

And when I woke up, I got to my knees and prayed.

I clasped on to that meaningless piggy bank and prayed.

When you're dreaming with a broken heart, the waking up is the hardest part.

Some day.

Pro Tempore

I have never felt so replaceable in my life.

Why does everything around this place feel so temporary?

Maybe it's the smell of lavender linen spray,

or the fact that my face wash smells like hotel soap.

The fact that I fold my towels on top of my toilet, or that I hang a robe on the back of my bathroom door.

A cup by the sink.

Hotel-esque.

Yet my drawers are packed with things, my closet is so full that I don't have room for Narnia.

If I can feel so temporary in a stable environment, does that make me replaceable?

Will this room go out for rent once I leave?

I've already been replaced in one, two, three ways.

Three ways already.

So soon.

Oh well.

I guess this will teach me to live for the moment.

Scrunch my toes in the carpet every once in a while,

and realize I'm not leaving anytime in the near future.

I'll see that same view out that same window with that same dream catcher for the next almost 2 years.

That's fine by me.

Life is irreplaceable,

life is pro tempore.

Recognize/Realize

It's me!

I just can't tell you. Yet, ever...

You'll read these and think I'm sick.

But everyone is.

I just can't say.

It's me...

It's me...

It's me.

Breakthrough

I mean break through the haze that covers your personality like a foggy mirror.

Because I know you're in there somewhere.

And I know the pills stop the pain and they stop the hurt and the bad emotion.

But they stop the good stuff too.

It hurts me, you know? To know that your smile won't stay in your heart.

But that little pill will, it'll keep running through your system.

Just dulling your emotions.

Just enough to make the pain disappear.

Just enough to prevent the excitement, the happiness, the rush.

I know you may still cry.

Everyone does.

And I can't fix you, I'm sorry. I already said that.

Take your best friend responsibly. It can help you and I can't.

Responsibly, responsibly.

Don't go all 'million little pieces' on me, please.

Just enough to make the pain disappear.

Just enough not to cry every night.

Just enough to feel something rather than nothing.

Just enough, and no more.

No more.